ScrappleFace

2002-09-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

Please Visit the New Version of ScrappleFace.

(2002-09-21) -- ScrappleFace, the news satire web site, now has its own domain name: www.scrappleface.com. It also has a new, compelling, robust, scalable, proprietary, user interface. All content from the this old version has been moved to the new one (except for reader comments).

If you are a traditionalist and want to keep coming to this site, the editor recommends you try reading the same old stories with different voices...high and squeaky, gruff and piratey, with a lisp, with a brogue, while holding your nose...well, you get the idea.

In any case, when our technical staff figures out how to write a redirect code, this site will be nothing but a bitter memory. If you want to save our technical staff the time and effort of learning this simple technique, just email us the redirect code snippet.

If you're a blogger who has linked to stories on this site, please link to stories on the new site -- that's right, all of them.

ScrappleFace realizes you have a choice when visiting blogs, and the next time your plans call for laughing at the painful ironies of human existence, we hope you'll choose ScrappleFace.

2002-09-20T10:49:00.000-04:00

Dems and GOP Sue Murdoch Over New Game Show

(2002-09-20) -- Accusing Rupert Murdoch of copyright infringement, the Republican and Democratic national committees have jointly filed a lawsuit against the media mogul.

According to Matt Drudge, Murdoch's FX network plans to air a game show, tentatively titled American President, in which viewers would choose a candidate for the highest office in the land the way they chose a pop star on Murdoch's ratings hit American Idol.

In a 40-page filing in district court, the two major political parties claim they have already been running such a game show for several decades. The new show would infringe upon their implied copyright to the concept.

"There's nothing wrong ethically with what Murdoch is doing," said an attorney for the plaintiffs. "He's just about 50 years too late."

The filing also states that if the show were to go on, it should be made subject to campaign finance laws.

However, Rupert Murdoch's spokesman said, "nothing in the new campaign finance reform legislation explicitly prohibits a wealthy Australian-born American guy from paying for a presidential campaign with money from Coca-Cola, McDonald's and major car manufacturers."

2002-09-20T07:05:00.000-04:00

Bush's Popularity Skyrockets in Germany

(2002-09-20) -- A day after reports that German justice minister Herta Daubler-Gmelin compared George Bush's rhetoric toward Iraq to a tactic Hitler used, the U.S. President's popularity has skyrocketed in Germany.

Overnight polls showed Bush's German popularity rating gaining 45 points,.

"Bush wants to divert attention from his domestic problems," the German cabinet member said, according to regional newspaper Schwabisches Tagblatt. "It's a classic tactic. It's one that Hitler also used."

Daubler-Gmelin said she was encouraged that her praise of Bush had elicited such a rapid and positive response.

"Hitler was the most wise, beloved and popular leader the German people have ever known," she said. "Bush is a genius for using one of his tactics. Like I said, it's a classic, and the German people are embracing him for it. If only Bush were a German citizen, I'm sure he would quickly become Chancellor."

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said President Bush spent several hours yesterday preparing for an upcoming news conference on the topic.

"Much of that time was spent trying to pronounce Herta Daubler-Gmelin and Schwabisches Tagblatt," Fleischer said.

2002-09-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

Steve Case Stays: AOL to Merge with Hershey

(2002-09-19) -- After surviving attempts to dethrone him as CEO, Steve Case announced today that AOL Time Warner will merge with Hershey Foods. The $12 billion deal will create "the world's biggest digital-chocolate-media enterprise," an ebullient Case told reporters.

"We'll double the market value of AOL," he said, "It's a merger of equals, and it's really all about synergy and content. Hershey brings strong brand recognition to our incredible distribution system."

Case said he anticipated no layoffs as a result of the merger, because "our two businesses are totally unrelated."

"You're going to start seeing co-branding almost immediately," Case said. "AOL CDs will be packaged with Hershey Bars... of course, we'll have to make the CDs smaller or the candy bars bigger...but that's just details. Tony Soprano (from HBO) will switch from cigars to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. CNN's Connie Chung will begin offering Kisses to her interview subjects, and Wolf Blitzer will go by the nickname "Jolly Rancher."

The company, to be known as America Hershey On-Line Enterprises, is testing several slogans including: "Hershey: the Great American Online Chocolate Bar."

Hershey recently turned down offers from Wrigley and Nestle to buy the Pennsylvania-based candy maker. As it turns out, its lawyers were conducting intense negotiations with AOL Time Warner. The AOL merger with Time Warner about two-years ago, exceeded all expectations, proving to be a windfall for the firm's accountants and attorneys.

Ted Turner, informed of the merger by phone, wept uncontrollably.

2002-09-19T10:44:00.000-04:00

U.N. Orders 'Hide and Seek' Game in Iraq

(2002-09-19) -- The United Nations Security Council today approved a resolution calling for Iraq to play 'hide and seek' with U.N. weapons inspectors.

"First, our weapons inspectors will cover their eyes," said Secretary General Koffi Anan. "Then they will begin counting...one Mississippi, two Mississippi, and so on. When they get to six billion Mississippi, they will formally declare 'Ready or not, here we come!'...and in they go to see how many weapons of mass destruction they can find."

A motion to make the inspectors "count to infinity plus infinity" was narrowly defeated by the council.

2002-09-18T19:38:00.000-04:00

Smiley Emoticon at 20: 'Tired of Faking It'

Smiley (top left) at a recent family gathering.

(2002-09-18) -- Smiley Emoticon is marking his 20th birthday in Font Bleu Treatment Center in Taipo, Polynesia. The perpetually-grinning aggregation of punctuation checked himself in last week after gossip columnists reported he was "on a bender, chain-smoking and binge drinking."

Although Mr. Emoticon's agent said the comedian's assistant was just taking a much-deserved six-month hiatus, those closest to him (including Backspace Key and Quotation Mark) say Smiley is "just tired of faking it".

"He's spent the better part of 20 years trying to make stupid jokes look funny," said Mr. Mark. "How would you feel if you had to listen to people groaning all day. And he was never recognized for his peace mission of trying to take the edge off of some really cruel remarks. He was overworked and practically lame from being hackneyed."

Backspace Key said Smiley finally 'hit bottom' just last week.

"The other night he says to me, 'Backspace take me outa here...come on...one, two, three and I'm gone.'"

Mr. Key said he refused Smiley's pleading request, and called the treatment center in Taipo.

2002-09-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

NY Times Begins Campaign to Plug 'Dignity Gap'

(2002-09-18) -- The publisher of The New York Times announced a new charitable venture today called "Plug the Dignity Gap." The campaign, sparked by a recent Thomas Friedman column, will eliminate Islamic terrorism by providing young angry Muslims with all the trappings of Western culture.

In a full page advertisement, Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., wrote, "We're going tap the largesse of a great demographic slice of America, our readers, and provide these young religious men with fine homes, sophisticated entertainment devices, fast cars, inspiring liquors and mellow cigars. We will plug the 'dignity gap' and thus put an end to terrorism in our times."

"We know that radical Islam is not the problem," said Sulzberger, "although every nation ruled by it is an incredible sewer of human despair and a well-spring of visceral anger. The real problem is that we Americans have all the good toys even though we cling to the admittedly-inferior Judeo-Christian worldview."

Friedman acknowledged in his column that closing the dignity gap could be a decades-long project doomed to failure, but Sulzberger added, "that's never stopped us from advocating an entitlement program before. Money can't buy you love, but it can purchase a whole pile of dignity."

2002-09-18T12:46:00.000-04:00

Sick Nazi Collaborator Excused From French Prison

(2002-09-18) -- A Nazi collaborator, who shipped 1,560 Jews to Auschwitz during World War II, was released from prison today after presenting a note from his mother that he was not feeling well.

"Maurice is a bit under the weather," the note read, "please send him home from prison, so I can take care of him properly."

The note, scrawled in a shakey hand, was signed "Madame Papon," apparently the mother of the 92-year-old inmate. French authorities agreed it was "cruel to detain a sick man, especially when his Mamma is so worried about him."

Papon had successfully avoided trial for crimes against humanity for 58 years while serving in French government jobs. He is now resting comfortably in his family villa in the town of Gretz-Armainvilliers east of Paris.

2002-09-18T11:51:00.000-04:00

Inspectors Allowed in Without Conditioner

(2002-09-18) -- Iraqi minister of foreign affairs Naji Sabri today attempted to clear up confusion about his nation's offer to re-admit U.N. weapons inspectors.

"We didn't mean 'without conditions'," Sabri said. "We meant to say we would allow the return of weapons inspectors 'without conditioner'. In Iraqi culture, shampooing is appropriate, but conditioning is taboo. Weapons inspectors with full, silky hair would be an affront to our indigenous people."

The Bush administration responded by warning that Saddam Hussein has a record of "deceiving, delaying and detangling."

2002-09-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

Iraqi Congress Threatens to Overrule Hussein

(2002-09-17) -- The Iraqi House majority leader lashed out at Saddam Hussein today for his "hasty decision" to allow U.N. weapons inspectors to return to the Republic of Iraq.

"We're concerned that President Hussein may be fooled by all the peaceful talk coming out of the U.N.," said an aide to the majority leader. "We have the votes to override Hussein's action, and in any case, it certainly wouldn't stand up in a court challenge."

Debate on the inspection measure had dragged on for weeks in the Iraqi Congress before President Hussein issued an executive order re-admitting the U.N. teams.

"We in the majority party don't want to make this a political football," the unnamed aide said, "but President Hussein should be well aware of the implications of his actions with elections just around the corner."

Polling data in the Republic is running 3-to-2 against allowing inspectors. Despite his popularity, sources said Hussein knows better than to swim against the tide of public opinion.

"The Congress represents the people of the Republic of Iraq," said the aide, "and it must enact the will of the people."

Other Congressional sources said they were looking for a way to allow President Hussein to "save face" after this "policy gaff".

"We want to show a united front to the world community," said one source, "but make no mistake, if he stands firm on this he'll pay a price politically."

Related Link: Letter from Iraq to U.N.

2002-09-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

ABC Reporters Have 200 Missing Ukrainian Nukes

(2002-09-17) -- ABC News announced today that it has the 200 missing Ukrainian nuclear weapons. ABC reporters around the world are attempting to smuggle the weapons into, and out of, various countries as part of an upcoming undercover report.

"We were going to tell the State Department as soon as we finished shooting...shooting the news report that is...you know, on videotape," said an unnamed source at ABC. "We've been amazed at how easy it is to buy and move these weapons. Most of our reporters are now smuggling something, whether it's nukes, crack cocaine or Chinese bootleg Jackie Chan DVDs. People love these undercover stories."

2002-09-16T22:41:00.000-04:00

Tribune Reporters Dig for Story on Bob Greene

(2002-09-16) -- Jim Kirk and Monica Davey, reporters for the Chicago Tribune, are trying to play down talk of a Pulitzer Prize for their investigative piece on the dismissal of Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene.

The popular writer resigned under pressure this week after revelations that 10 years ago he had sex with a young woman who was a source for one of his stories.

Reporters Kirk and Davey earned the admiration of investigative journalists across the country by clipping and pasting a company memo, and polishing it into a major 1,500-word expose.

The story included the following:

The refusal of Tribune editors and executives to comment.
The failure of Bob Greene to return the reporters' phone calls and emails requesting comment.
The revelation from Greene's own news release that he had committed "indiscretions in my life that I am not proud of." (Indiscretions that Greene is proud of are not mentioned.)
A reference to editors and publishers having "high-level" meetings, and running an internal investigation...both of which were so "high-level", nothing more could be said about them.
Unnamed sources on the Tribune staff who saw an email from the woman with whom Greene had sex. These witnesses were referred to as "sources familiar with the message" and "people who saw the email."
Unsuccessful attempts to reach both the Chicago office of the FBI and the woman who made the allegations about Greene.
Acknowledgement that Tribune "officials" would not name Greene's accuser due to Tribune policy on investigations of misconduct.
The following quote from Greene's colleague Paul Galloway, "It's a terrible shock. It's like a kick in the stomach to me," he said. "I'm looking forward to talking to him to find out the real story. The statement in the Tribune [seemed to be] carefully crafted by lawyers."

Related Link: Carefully Crafted, Fully Vetted

2002-09-16T20:55:00.000-04:00

Hussein Asks: "Will These Things Really Work?"

(2002-09-16) -- Saddam Hussein has invited United Nations' weapons experts to come to Iraq to examine his nuclear, chemical and biological weapons.

"Frankly, I just want to know if these bombs are going to work," said Hussein. "Our scientists don't have enough experience and Iraqis don't exactly have a reputation for craftsmanship. Who better to judge whether these armaments are functional than the best weapons inspectors in the world?"

Hussein went on to express his bewilderment at his extensive collection of deadly agents like VX, Sarin, mustard gas, anthrax, small pox and even enriched plutonium.

"Oy! Who can keep it all straight?" he asked. "I realized a few months ago that, if we're going to be world class at deploying this stuff, we're going to have to think outside of the box...and get some QC people in here."

The Iraqi leader said he would like to see each weapon of mass destruction imprinted with "Inspected by No. 12...just like my Fruit of the Loom underpants," he added.

2002-09-16T13:51:00.000-04:00

Lesbian Clinic Hires Veterinarian To Perform A.I.

(2002-09-16) -- A European fertility clinic for lesbians has hired a veterinarian as chief of artificial insemination (A.I.).

"The way I figure it," said Hank Estrus, the new director of A.I. at The Women's New Life Centre, "it's just like I'm looking at a field full of breeding heifers, or brood sows. Ain't no bulls or boars involved. The trick is figuring out when they're in heat."

2002-09-16T11:28:00.000-04:00

Jackson to Lead USA Quad-Decennial Parade

(2002-09-16) -- Jesse Jackson today was named Grand Marshall of the USA Quad-Decennial Parade. The event, which celebrates the 40th anniversary of the founding of the United States of America, will be held in Selma, Alabama, in 2005.

The Rev. Jackson will start the event with a prayer thanking George W. Bush, the "Ruler of the World", for his beneficent sovereignty. The prayer will be followed by an hour-long speech which the former civil rights leader will deliver entirely in Mandarin Chinese -- a much more popular language than English.

The parade will feature the surviving "bunch of white men" who wrote and passed the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Organizers predict the parade will draw a crowd rivalling the 600 people who packed a 15,000-seat auditorium for Jackson's recent speech at Michigan State University.

2002-09-16T02:58:00.000-04:00

Black Caucus Bolsters Gore's Hope for '04 Run

(2002-09-16) -- Two members of the Congressional Black Caucus who shouted "Amen" during Al Gore's speech before the group Saturday night, have bolstered the former presidential candidate's hopes for another run at the White House.

"I'm not sure whether they were 'amen-ing' my economic ideas, or my self-deprecating humor," said Gore, "but there were clearly some 'amens' out there."

Members of the Congressional Black Caucus interviewed later confirmed that at least two strong 'amens' were heard.

"Of course, I haven't decided about running in 2004," said Gore, "but if this groundswell of support continues to build, I may not be able to resist the will of the people."

2002-09-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

NBC Introduces "That Television News Show"

(2002-09-14) -- NBC will make a mid-season addition to its fall lineup: That Television News Show. The 60-minute unscripted "reality" program will follow the everyday lives of the people in the NBC News department.

"On September 11, 2002, all the major news networks found that viewers will watch news programming that is largely about how we cover the news," according to an NBC news release. "I think we've known it for years, but it really came through this week that news programming isn't about the people and events that define our times. It's about the people who cover the people and events. In other words, it's all about us. People don't tune in for the news. They tune in to watch Tom, Peter, Dan, Shepard, Wolf or Connie tell them what's important. In the end, we are what's important. The mediators are the message. Everything else is just content."

NBC's cameras will follow these newsmakers from dawn to dusk, and then air the most exciting and funny moments as "That Television News Show." Each episode will also include five minutes of bloopers.

NBC executives admit they may have to cut other news programs to make way for the new show.

Related Link: Dan: "It's Not About Me"

2002-09-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

Castro Resigns! Kennedy's Cuba Policy Pays Off

(2002-09-13) -- Cuban dictator Fidel Castro stunned his nation and political leaders worldwide by announcing his resignation today, only 43 years after seizing power in a military coup.

"President Kennedy's policy of containment has broken me," Castro said. "I cannot take the isolation anymore."

The announcement came on the same day the New York Times ran an Op-Ed piece by Nicholas Kristof praising the Kennedy administration policy of containment and isolation. Kristof suggested that President Bush should follow a similar strategy with Iraq's Saddam Hussein.

"The just vindicates everything I wrote in the Times piece," Kristof said. "If Bush were as smart as Kennedy, Saddam would be packing his bags like Castro. It wouldn't be a question of "if", but "when".

2002-09-13T09:33:00.000-04:00

Daschle: "Only Congress Can Declare Burger War"

(2002-09-13) -- U.S. Senator Tom Daschle said he is "outraged" that the Burger King has begun waging a price war with McDonald's without Congressional approval.

"Only Congress can declare war," said Daschle. "I don't care if he is the Burger King, he must submit to the U.S. Constitution."

Daschle urged both restaurant chains to seek a peaceful solution to the conflict, perhaps through mediation by the United Nations.

2002-09-13T07:20:00.000-04:00

Hong Kong Eager for Full Chinese Citizenship

(2002-09-13) -- Five years after being set free from the tyranny of British rule, the people of Hong Kong are beginning the process that would allow them to enjoy the full benefits of Chinese citizenship.

Rejoicing greeted the news that anti-subversion laws would soon be in place to protect the people of Hong Kong from bad ideas. The mainland Chinese government will free Hong Kong from having to decide which ideas are bad, and fully empower the local government to rid the land of such notions.

"We're so glad that China is looking out for our best interest," said Hong Kong's Secretary for Justice Elsie Leung. "We are busy people and don't have time to properly cleanse the public square of toxic political, religious and philosophical principles. We look to the great leaders of China to do this. It's kind of like hiring a gardener to pull weeds."

2002-09-12T23:02:00.000-04:00

INS to Probe Breaches in Microsoft Windows

(2002-09-12) -- The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) launched a probe today to determine how many illegal aliens are actually entering the U.S. through gaping holes in the Microsoft Windows operating system.

"We know that thousands of Mexicans cross the U.S. borders in Texas and California each year, but that doesn't account for the huge number of resident illegal aliens," according to an INS spokesman. "Recently, we began to wonder how many of these folks are just hacking into the country, or attaching themselves to an email, or exploiting any of the other breaches in Microsoft Windows and Windows XP."

Microsoft says this is a known problem, and it will soon offer a free patch that should block Latinos. However, customers who want to prevent Eastern Europeans and Asians from sneaking in will have to pay an annual fee for that service. Periodic "Alien Definition File" downloads will be available to those premium customers.

Related Link: MS Means Mediocre Security

2002-09-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

Bush Convinces U.N. to Back Iraq Attack

(2002-09-12) -- In a surprise move, the U.N. Security Council voted this afternoon to back an invasion of Iraq. Many nations in the general assembly pledged their financial support for the effort to oust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

The vote came after U.S. President George Bush's compelling address to the 190-nation body. But apparently the speech was not what changed the hearts and minds of the delegates.

That task was accomplished by a hastily-scribbled note Bush left on the podium. The note, which was read to the delegates said this:

You're either with us, or you're paying off your parking tickets."

It was signed "With Love, GWB".

Many delegates interviewed afterward said it would be cheaper to spend a few million on a war than to cover the multi-millions in unpaid citations given to delegates who have thusfar enjoyed "diplomatic immunity."

2002-09-12T06:44:00.000-04:00

U.S. Declares 'No Tariffs on Uranium Imports'

(2002-09-12) -- U.S. Customs officials announced today that there will be no import tariffs on uranium shipments to the U.S.. The announcement follows an ABC News investigative piece in which a reporter successfully smuggled 15 pounds of depleted uranium into the country. It also comes on the heels of the World Trade Organization's (WTO) decision to allow European nations to hit the U.S. with up to $4 billion in retaliatory trade sanctions.

"We want to demonstrate to the world that the land of capitalism is a free-market economy," according to Lee Keaborders of U.S. Customs. "We believe in the principles of Adam Smith, that there is an 'invisible hand' which guides free markets for the good of the nation, and the world."

Far from being embarrassed by the ABC News story, customs service officials insisted that allowing quantities of uranium into the country is part of a belief in the unfettered market's ability to regulate itself.

Mr. Keaborders posed a hypothetical example: "Let's say that this wasn't depleted uranium [as in the ABC News story], but rather the enriched, weapons-grade kind. Well, now it's in this country, and who do you suppose is going to make those dirty bombs? Americans, right? And they'll get paid handsomely to do it. And what will they do with that money? They'll spend it in the local economy, sometimes paying sales taxes with it. In other words, the people of that community and state will benefit from free trade."

"Since our customer focus groups revealed this thriving market for fissionable materials, we're thinking of selling the stuff in our duty-free shops," he added.

2002-09-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

Agents "Rescue" Janet Reno from Polling Booth

(2002-09-10) -- Heavily-armed federal agents burst into a Florida polling place today, snatched former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, and whisked her away in a bullet-proof SUV. The daring daylight raid, reminiscent of the Elian Gonzalez incident, turns out to have been a mistake, according to Reno.

Visibly-ruffled more than usual, the gubernatorial candidate called for an investigation into who ordered the raid.

"I wasn't a hostage at the polling place," said Reno. "They were having trouble with the new, improved voting machines, and I just had to wait like everyone else."

Reno had to cut short her phone interview with this reporter as she was arguing with an INS agent. The Immigration and Naturalization Service says it will try to determine her nation of origin so they can deport her. A spokesman said, "She'll be happier with her own people."

Related Link: Polls Open Late

2002-09-10T12:24:00.000-04:00

WARNING: The Following Story is Not Satire

We're On Top of That

(2002-09-10) -- A couple of years ago, my young daughter and I stood on the top floor of one of the World Trade Center Towers. I had been atop the Sears Tower in Chicago before, but this was more impressive. Because from the top windows of one tower, you could look across to the other and get real perspective on where you were, and what the designers and builders had accomplished. It was like looking in a mirror.

I pointed and told my daughter, "We're on top of that."

At street level, there was still a huge tarp over the hole that some murderers had blasted in the side of one tower. And New York City bustled on. Only the tourists gawked and snapped photos.

New Yorkers from a hundred lands have become Americans.

Americans will not be deterred from their God-given right to pursue happiness. They will not be enslaved by fear. Liberty is presumed.

In 1776, John Adams wrote: "Freedom is a counterbalance for poverty, discord and war, and more." He also wrote that happiness is to be found only in virtue, and government’s task was "to stimulate virtue in its citizens."

Adam’s virtue drove him to seek liberty almost at any price. His sense of virtue compelled him to create a republic, rather than a true democracy, because a republic is "an empire of laws, not of men." He knew too well that men were "addicted to corruption and venality" -- drawn continually to "despotism and repression."

The virtue of which Adams spoke was steadfast, strong, and even aggressive. Though he feared the consequences of war on his family, friends and land, he knew history would judge him based on his actions in this moment.

The pursuit of liberty demanded (and Adam’s anticipated) that people must be armed and trained to defend themselves.

Against all odds...against the greatest military power the earth had ever known...Adams knew what he must do. His hopes for the outcome were clear, but he could not know for sure if taking a stand would lead to destruction and further enslavement, or to a land of liberty such as men had never seen.

He summed up his concerns for the future this way: "I must submit all my hopes and fears to an overruling Providence, in which, unfashionable as the faith may be, I firmly believe."

And today, a year after the towers fell, I point my children to people like John Adams, and the ideas for which they were willing to risk everything.

I point and say: "We're on top of that."

2002-09-10T01:09:00.000-04:00

Dan Rather to Colleagues: "Get Behind Our President"

(2002-09-10) -- Veteran CBS anchorman Dan Rather castigated his colleagues in the news media last night for their critical coverage of the Bush Administration and negative perspective on America. His speech before a packed house of reporters, anchors and news editors, stirred the hearts of many in the audience.

"Now, more than ever, we need to get behind our president," said Rather. "He is the leader of our great republic and deserves our full respect and support. Sometimes it seems like reporters think it's their job to make the president look bad. They seem embarrassed to be Americans. Not me, ladies and gentleman. I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me. And I'd gladly stand up next to you, and do a live report from somewhere near the frontlines like I did in Vietnam."

Rather ended his talk by leading the broadcast journalists in an a capella rendition of "God Bless America", followed by a solemn recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.

Related Link: More Patriotic Talk

2002-09-10T00:55:00.000-04:00

Bill Introduced to Criminalize Intolerance

(2002-09-10) -- Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives introduced a bill today which would make intolerance illegal.

"There is no place in our society for intolerance," said legislative aide who helped draft the bill. "Soon it will be a federal crime to publicly claim that any idea, philosophy or theology is better than any other."

Lobbyists from several special interest groups are distributing bumper stickers and lapel pins with slogans like "Ban Intolerance," "It's All Good", and "I hate your provincial ideas."

2002-09-09T16:03:00.000-04:00

Vatican Air Force to Join Iraq Attack

(2002-09-09) -- The Vatican Air Force will join the U.S. and Great Britain in the attempt to drive Saddam Hussein from power. The little-known airborne contingent is comprised of archbishops, monks and abbots who have devoted themselves to the practical study of peacekeeping weaponry.

Flying F-21 "Cheek-Turner" fighter jets, the clerical pilots will fire only when fired upon, or "when they prophesy that they might be fired upon," according to Abbot N. Costello, of our Our Lady of Holy Smokes monastery near Vatican City.

""Sometimes you have to do unto others, before they do unto you...if you know what I mean," Costello said.

Related Link:Vatican: All for One, or Nothing

2002-09-09T11:34:00.000-04:00

Irish Curse E-Mail Spreads Like Wildfire

(2002-09-09) -- A viral e-mail making the rounds on the internet today promises misery and pain to all who forward it. Yet, corporate e-mail servers are locking up and shutting down worldwide due to the flood of messages. Millions of computer users are forwarding the so-called "Irish Curse" chain letter to their distribution lists, apparently without reading it.

The message says in part: "Do not forward this to your friends. I did, and I came down with Crohn's disease. I received the email from a "friend" who immediately contracted Shingles. His father-in-law, now a leper, had sent it to him. And before that the message came from a distant relative who now sports a goiter the size of a grapefruit on the side of her neck. So, please, do not forward this Irish prayer:
May the road before you drop off a cliff.
May the sun create lesions on your scalp
May the wind chap your sensitive tissues
And the rain deluge your low-lying village,
And until we meet again...should you live so long...
May God smite you with his powerful hand."
[Editor's Note: Please do not forward this to anyone. This is presented as a public service.]

2002-09-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

McDonald's Leaks List of Proposed Enhancements

(2002-09-08) -- Reports from inside the McDonald's corporation indicate the world's largest restaurant chain is desperately looking for ways to increase sales. Proposals include rehabbing older restaurants, and introducing new menu items for under $1 (U.S.). ScrappleFace has received a copy of notes from a brainstorming session among top-level McDonald's execs about how to increase McDonald's appeal with consumers. We reproduce the notes here, unedited:

Charge less for the food.
Make the food taste better
Clean the restroom at least once per week.
Get rid of 'that smell'
Diction lessons for teenage associates.
Start ugly rumors about roaches at BK, Wendy's, etc.
McEscargot

McDonald's officials refused comment on the list.

Related Link: McD's Seeks to Spur Sales

2002-09-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

NY Times Story Sets New Records

(2002-09-08) -- Journalism junkies are checking the record books after reading a recent story in The New York Times under the headline: U.S. Says Hussein Intensifies Quest for A-Bomb Parts.

"We think we may have several new world records in this one piece," said an unnamed spokesman for the Columbia Journalism Review (CJR). "We're all very excited. Journalism students will be studying and emulating this one for years to come."

The roughly 3,460-word story, filled with unattributed information allegedly emanating from the Bush administration, may have broken the record for mentions of "hard-liners" in a story not about the old Soviet Politburo. (There were six.) The piece, which appears under the dual byline of Michael R. Gordon and Judith Miller, also quotes only two people by name, and one of those is an admittedly made-up name.

Gordon and Miller would not comment about the story "on the record", but two unnamed sources who work for The New York Times as reporters said the story was a journalistic tour-de-force.

"We managed to crank out almost 3,500 words and the only guy we actually quote by name is an old Clinton administration NSC staffer no one's ever heard of," said the unidentified reporters. "We think this story demonstrates that reporters need not be hindered by the lack of credible sources."

2002-09-08T17:09:00.000-04:00

Jailed Parents Imposed Views on Their Own Children

(2002-09-08) -- A Minnesota couple has been jailed on suspicion of imposing their own views on their young children. A public school teacher first alerted the division of family services (DFS) which immediately took three children out of the home pending an investigation. The arrest was made as the family left a Sunday morning worship service.

"We found in this home evidence of the worst sort of bigotry," said a spokeswoman for DFS. "Not only were these children receiving explicit instruction in the religion of their parents, to the exclusion of all others, but the parents also imposed a whole range of their own provincial ideas upon the youngsters. These little blank-slate minds were subjected to dogmatic instruction in everything from eating, clothing and hygiene practices, to beliefs about virtue, sin and the existence of God."

The children will continue in public school and will be reared in the Huxley-Freud Group Home, where they will receive intensive post-traumatic stress counseling and instruction from government-approved text books.

2002-09-08T02:21:00.000-04:00

U.N. Threatens Saddam by Counting to Three

(2002-09-08) -- As Saddam Hussein celebrates more than a decade of ignoring United Nations sanctions against Iraq, the U.N. today threatened him again by counting to three. However, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan counted quite slowly, stretching out the pronunciation of each number, then pausing after "2" to say, "I mean it this time."

When the counting failed to spark action, Annan tried the time-tested 'saying of the full name': "Saddam Patrick Hussein, I'm not going to tell you again."

However, Annan did tell him again, and the Iraqi leader plugged his ears with his index fingers and shouted "LA-LA-LA-LA I can't hear you!"

Monday, the U.N. Security Council will take up the issue of "time out" for the entire nation of Iraq.

Related Link: Blair Backs Bush Plan

2002-09-07T02:55:00.000-04:00

U.N. Rebukes Saddam Hussein for "Crawfishing"

(2002-09-07) -- The United Nations today passed a resolution admonishing Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein for "sidestepping, crawfishing and wheedling" out of previous agreements. The global organization also formally recognized that Hussein has been "stiffing the world."

Delegates interviewed after the vote concurred that they don't know what it means to "crawfish", but it sounded good when U.S. President George Bush first said it after a congressional briefing on September 4.

Related Link: Straight Talk from Bush

2002-09-07T01:59:00.000-04:00

Editor "Fires" Ann Coulter Then Proposes Marriage

(2002-09-07) -- Bob Unger, executive editor of the Centre Daily Times (CDT), in State College, PA, has proposed marriage to conservative columnist Ann Coulter, just days after dumping Coulter's column from his newspaper.

"Now it can be told," Unger said. "I fired Ann, not because she hates so much, but because I love her so much. I want to avoid even the appearance of conflict. If she's going to be Mrs. Robert Unger, she can't very well be on the CDT payroll, not even as a syndicated columnist."

Unger said astute readers picked up on his attraction to Coulter by reading his September 7 editorial. In it, he refers to her "pretty face" and calls her "flashy". He even hints at his previously suppressed passion when he writes "love is hard."

Coulter was too busy to return this reporters calls, since she was getting her pretty face on television and selling more of her best-selling books.

Related Link:Coulter's Last Stand

2002-09-06T19:12:00.000-04:00

Norman Mailer Releases CD of Patriotic Songs

(2002-09-06) -- The 8,000-word essay on American patriotism which Norman Mailer wrote for the London Sunday Times [9/8/02] is meant to serve as pre-publicity for Mailer's new CD of patriotic songs.

Mailer lends his sultry baritone to such classics as Godless America, This Is Sty Country, Bland Old Rag, I'm A Cranky Noodling Dandy, America the Booty-Full, and The Star Spangled Banter.

The CD, titled "Totally Promiscuous Patriotism," is slated for a September 11 release.

"I'm hoping that people will be intensely critical of the essay, and of the CD," said Mailer, "because it's your duty to be critical of it so it can become even greater, just like America."

Related Link: Drudge Previews Mailer Rant

2002-09-05T12:04:00.000-04:00

France Wants to Become Iraqi Colony

French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac has petitioned the United Nations to make France a colony of Iraq.

"Our people long to be ruled by a strong, benevolent leader, like we were during the German occupation in the 1940s," Chirac said. "Saddam Hussein's people love him, and we yearn for his brand of firm, yet fair, statesmanship. I would be proud to be the governor of French Babylon.

Chirac also announced France's intention to remunerate the United States and Great Britain for all of the men, machines and munitions spent in the effort to liberate the country from the Nazis during WWII.

"We appreciate what the other Allies, with good intentions, did for us," Chirac said. "But as we look at the lifestyle of the Iraqi people, we realize we might have been better off if the Yanks and Brits had stayed home....Heil Hussein!"

2002-09-04T13:12:00.000-04:00

European Poll: Americans At Fault for 9/11

A majority of Europeans believe that Americans were partially to blame for the terrorist attacks of 9/11/2001.

Here are the actual questions asked in the poll:

Americans built the planes that crashed on 9/11. (True or False)
Americans built the World Trade Center Towers. (True or False)
Americans sold the airplane tickets to the hijackers. (True or False)
Americans are to blame for the terrorist attack on 9/11. (True or False)

Related Link: Blame the Victim

2002-09-04T11:40:00.000-04:00

CBS Hijacks Jetliner to Prove Security Flaws

(2002-09-04) -- CBS News anchorman Dan Rather hijacked a Boeing 757 over the weekend and flew it to an undisclosed location in "the Dakotas". The hijacking was part of an "up close and personal" investigative piece about flaws in the transportation security system. No one was harmed in the incident.

Rather, the veteran anchor of the CBS Evening News, secretly took flying lessons for the past eight months in preparation for the story.

"I also did my best to blend into the local community," Rather said. "I didn't want to arouse the suspicion of my neighbors. So, I went to Dunkin' Donuts and Blockbuster Video like normal. I kept up with my lawn mowing...you know, just being the average American."

Usama bin Laden, reached by satellite phone, expressed gratitude to "Mr. Rather, and all of those doing this important research in the public domain which advances the cause of freedom for my people."

Related Link: CBS Tests Airport Security

Clone Link: NY Daily News...ditto.

2002-09-04T06:39:00.000-04:00

Democrats Copyright 2004 Slogan: "Ain't it Awful"

(2002-09-04) -- The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has reportedly copyrighted the slogan "Ain't It Awful" for use in the 2004 elections.

"We needed a memorable phrase to capture the essence of what it means to be a Democrat in the new millennium," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "With the stock market dipping, crisis in the Middle East, corporate fat cats lying about profits, schools in crisis, Britney on hiatus, millions without access to clean water or good food, pollution everywhere, a potential invasion of the sovereign peaceful Islamic republic of Iraq...we felt that 'Ain't It Awful' reflects how Joe Six-Pack, the average American, feels...or should feel."

"Too many Americans still feel good about the future of the economy and our nation. They think that American ingenuity and Divine Providence will work together to eventually solve the great problems that plague our society," McAuliffe said. "When people feel hopeful like that, they don't vote Democrat. Originally, we were going to use the slogan 'It's All Bad,' but a lot of young people still use the word bad to mean good. And we don't want to leave them with the wrong impression of our beliefs."

At the next Democratic convention, Al Gore give a rousing speech using the slogan to punctuate a long list of things that are wrong with America -- similar to the way Jesse Jackson used the phrase "Keep Hope Alive" at a previous convention. Convention delegates will join Gore in shouting "Ain't It Awful" after each depressing item.

In a related development, the makers of Prozac have signed on as sole sponsors of the 2004 Democratic convention. Banners and TV ads will include the Prozac logo, and free samples will be distributed to delegates.

2002-09-03T23:40:00.000-04:00

Catholic Church Tests Two-Way Confessional

Following a series of scandals involving Roman Catholic priests, the Boston Archdiocese is testing a new two-way confessional procedure. After the normal confession, the parishioner will say to the priest, "So, enough about me, Father. What have you been up to lately?"

Related Link:
Church to Pay Off Priest's Victims

2002-09-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

White House Blocks Mandela's Calls

(2002-09-02) -- Thanks to new legislation restricting telemarketers, the White House has blocked all calls from former South African President Nelson Mandela. The great humanitarian has tried to call George Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell and others, selling the idea that a U.S. invasion of Iraq would introduce "chaos in international affairs."

"We were just sitting down to dinner," said National Security Advisor Rice, "and wouldn't you know it, the phone rings. I let the machine get it, and it's Mr. Mandela. And I can tell he's reading a script, so I just keep eating and delete the message later. Next day I had a staffer call and add him to the list of telemarketers we're blocking."

"I gotta tell you, the staff and I had to laugh about that "chaos" line," Rice added. "Yeah, like we wouldn't want to shatter the calm of the Middle East now, would we?"

If the formerly-jailed anti-apartheid activist violates the 'Do Not Call' order, he could face a $1,000 fine for each offense, and 90 days to a year in prison.

Related Link: I Know You're There, Condy...Pick Up the Phone

2002-09-02T20:54:00.000-04:00

Lieberman Won't Run If Anyone Else Does

(2002-09-02) -- Expanding his previous pledge to abstain from seeking the presidency if Al Gore decides to run, Sen. Joseph Lieberman announced over the weekend that he also won't run if any of the following file with the Federal Election Commission seeking the highest office in the land: John Kerry, Tom Daschle, Dick Gephardt, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Hillary Rodham, Elian Gonzales, Geraldo Rivera, Cardinal Law, Rudy Guiliani, Michael A. Newdow, Glenn Reynolds and anybody from Rhode Island.

"The Senator is a man of principle," said a Lieberman press aide. "Certainly he has great ideas which would revolutionize our nation, and cause justice to flow down like water...however, he refuses to let his high ideals stand in the way of his deep friendships with each person on this list."

Senator Lieberman himself could not be reached for comment, however he was overheard at the first tee of a local golf course saying to the rest of his foursome, "Hey, fellas...Let's not keep score today."

Related Link:Everybody Loves Albert

2002-09-01T21:24:00.000-04:00

Alumnus Requests Refund from University

(2002-09-01) -- Barry Lee LeTrette, 1983 graduate of the University of Wisconsin, has requested a refund of $20,000 from the school.

"I've been out here in the work world for 19 years," LeTrette wrote, "And I haven't been able to use about 75 percent of what they taught me. So, I'm returning the unused portion of my college education, and requesting a refund."

Wisconsin officials could not be reached for comment, however, a week after LeTrette wrote his request the school sent him an invitation to contribute $500 toward an endowment fund.

2002-09-01T19:21:00.000-04:00

Office Worker Drafted to Coach in NFL

(2002-09-01) -- Some men dream of it all their lives. But the dream came true for Jared Oberholtzer yesterday when the owner of an NFL franchise called to ask him if he'd consider coaching the squad this year. Colleagues of the 43-year-old office worker were delighted, but not surprised.

"I've often told him he ought to be coaching somewhere because he knows so much about football," said Charlene McCasker, an administrative assistant in the next cubicle. "Just last week he spent about 45 minutes telling us about all the mistakes that the Bengals, Steelers, Rams and Seahawks had made that Sunday. He really sounds like he knows what he's talking about."

Oberholtzer hasn't played football since he was 12, and has never even coached a Pee Wee team. However, he says, he didn't just stumble into this position.

"Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness," Oberholtzer said. "That's why about a year ago, I talked Colleen into buying that big-screen TV. I've prepared for his moment by rigorously listening to sports radio shows in the car, and watching countless hours of televised games, and post-game analysis...and, of course, by talking to my colleagues at work, and sharing my expertise with them."

Ms. McCasker lamented the loss of her colleague.

"From now on," she said, "Mondays will be nothing but one productive hour of work after another...I'll miss him."

2002-09-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

CNN Editors Reject Chung Abduction Concept

(2002-09-01) -- News editors at the CNN have reportedly rejected a "high concept" news special tentatively called "The Chung Abduction." Proposed by the marketing department, the show would involve essentially hiring a kidnapper to abduct respected TV journalist Connie Chung. The state of Georgia would issue an "Amber Alert" for Chung, then other CNN reporters would follow leads, interview alleged witnesses and cover periodic briefings by "the sheriff". It would air about 13 hours a day, frequently interrupting regular programming.

"We really thought it would be educational," said the CNN marketing insider who proposed the project. "We'd show a lot of behind the scenes stuff with reporters worrying about Connie, and we might even have a hidden 'Chung-Cam' to cover her reactions. Of course, we couldn't tell Mrs. Chung it was staged, 'cause that would make it less real for her and the viewers. After the sheriff rescues her in a hail of simulated gun-fire...then we'd tell her."

"It's a whole new genre I call 'reality-based news programming'," he said. "It's really ahead of its time. By the way, do you know of anyone who's hiring marketing people?"

2002-09-01T17:07:00.000-04:00

Government to Promote Smoking by 'the Reckless'

(2002-09-01) -- Concerned that the decreasing number of cigarette smokers jeopardizes the tax base, the Federal government will launch a new ad campaign encouraging "the reckless" to smoke.

Recent demographic research reveals that about 23 percent of Americans "just don't give a hoot" what happens to them. However, not all of "the reckless" are smokers. Many simply drive too fast without seatbelts, eat fatty foods, drink heavily and put off investing for the future. The ad campaign aims to convert more of these citizens to the alluring dangers of smoking.

"It's totally honest advertising," according to an unnamed congressional lobbyist from a large producer of leaf-based products. "We're saying 'Smoking is likely to kill you...but hey, you gotta die of something.' Our target demographic is really attracted to such messages."

An advocate for the "Go on...Take a Chance" campaign said it will increase money the government receives from per-pack taxes on cigarettes. Without those tax dollars, he said, "nice people who work for the government will be fired and their children will wander the streets begging for food."

The ads themselves will be created by the same agency that produces lottery ads for several dozen states.

2002-09-01T15:26:00.000-04:00

Second NYC Radio Stunt Ends in Three Arrests

2002-09-01

Another shocking radio stunt has rocked the people of New York City. During a live Catholic radio show this week, two priests in full vestment sang praises to God and preached the gospel of Jesus Christ in a Brooklyn nightclub. A third priest, on a cell phone, relayed details to the listeners of WYNY.

When police arrived at the scene, several nightclub patrons were on their knees near the bar crying out in repentant prayer. As the three priests were led off in handcuffs, one answered a shouted question defiantly saying: "Yes, we were sharing the love of God with these fellow sinners...and we are unashamed."

The switchboard at the Archdiocese was jammed with calls from outraged citizens, disturbed that acts of devotion to God had been performed in full public view.

"There is a time and a place for everything," said one caller who claimed to witness the stunt. "These people should stay with their own kind. It was shameful."

Several startled nightclub patrons confessed they thought the robed priests were Star Wars fanatics, or were having a fight.

"They kept saying 'Jesus Christ', and stuff. So we thought they were angry," said one customer. "In those robes, they looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi and his brother...Obi-Two Kenobi...get it...Wan, Two...nevermind...bad joke...forgive me.

2002-08-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

MTV Denies it Named Newdow 'Atheist of Millennium'

2002-08-30

A second episode of confusion rocked the MTV Music Awards when Michael Newdow mistakenly accepted the "Atheist of the Millennium Award." Earlier Michael Jackson thought that Britney Spears had presented him with the "Artist of the Millennium Award."

"I can't believe it," Newdow exclaimed, clapping his hand to his chest as his eyes welled with tears."This one's for you Madalyn Murray O'Hair."

The confusing incident apparently happened in the men's restroom after the MTV ceremony when Newdow thought he heard Ozzy Osbourne in the next stall calling him "the bleepin' atheist of the millennium". A spokesman for Mr. Osbourne said, "I can't confirm that. Nobody's ever really sure what Ozzy is saying. But he was probably talking to himself."

Michael A. Newdow, lawyer and emergency room doctor, filed suit this week to get rid of the Congressional chaplain. He previously won a case in California, protecting his Christian daughter from having to say "under God" during the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.

Related Link: Jackson's Artist of Millennium Award

2002-08-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

Palestinian Authority Bids to Join Powerball Coalition

2002-08-30

As part of a continuing effort to assert its independence, the Palestinian Authority has applied to join the Multi-State Lottery Association (MUSL), a coalition of 24 U.S. states which offer the PowerBall lottery, among other government-sponsored games of chance.

"No one questions the statehood of Pennsylvania, Nebraska or Wisconsin, and they're all members of MUSL," said a Palestinian spokesman. "We dream of the day when the people of the Jenin refugee camp can enjoy the same freedoms as many inner-city Americans."

Saturday's PowerBall jackpot will be worth $63 million (U.S.) -- $36.2 million with the cash option.

Related Link: MUSL

2002-08-30T00:11:00.000-04:00

TSA Mandates New Airline Ticket Counter Questions

2002-08-30

A day after ordering airline ticket agents to stop asking customers about their luggage, the Transportation Security Administration has mandated a new set of questions each potential passenger must answer before boarding a flight.

For the past 16 years, ticket agents have asked each customer:

1) "Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?" and,

2) "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?"

In an effort to make airport security procedures more effective, the TSA has borrowed some questions from one of America's most popular television shows, The Sopranos (HBO). From now on, perky ticket agents in bright vests will ask each customer:

"What's the matter with you?"
"What are you looking at me for?"
"You got some kinda problem?"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Do you know who you're talkin' to?"

Related Link: TSA Drops Luggage Questions

2002-08-29T20:14:00.000-04:00

Donahue's Viewer Loves the Show

2002-08-29

The viewer of the new Donahue show on MSNBC apparently loves it.

Overnight ratings from Nielsen indicate that the viewer joined the program a bit late yesterday, but continued to watch throughout the entire show. A Nielsen spokesman said more detailed demographic and psychographic data about the Donahue viewer would be released in about a week.

2002-08-29T07:57:00.000-04:00

One Parent's Story: "We Love Our Failing School"

(2002-08-29) -- According to The New York Times, few parents exercise their right to pull children from failing public schools, and to use vouchers to place them in schools with better performance records.

"We just love our failing school," said Portia Gasterson, mother of 12-year-old Casey. "I'm so excited because the teacher says my baby is going to read this year."

Mrs. Gasterson, a graduate of the same school 15 years earlier, said she looks forward to becoming literate herself.

"My Casey's going to learn me to read," she said, beaming in anticipation. "Our school consistently performs in the bottom 10th of all schools in the state, and we just love it. The kids have a place to go during the day. Lunch is cheaper than McDonald's. We have low expectations, and we're almost never disappointed."

Mrs. Gasterson said she's not interested in using a voucher to send her child to a better school.

"My Casey won't need to be all that smart to live in this neighborhood," she said.

Related Link: NYT Story on this topic

2002-08-28T07:02:00.000-04:00

Bin Laden to Bush: Saddam 'No Threat to World'

(2002-08-28) -- Usama bin Laden, in a visit to President Bush's Texas ranch, told the President that Saddam Hussein is no threat to the region or the world. He urged the U.S. to patiently allow legal processes to settle the disagreement over Iraqi weapons inspections, and "not to do anything rash, or provocative."

The Islamic trendsetter's visit comes a day after Saudi Prince Bandar told Mr. Bush that every other nation opposed a U.S. invasion of Iraq.

"Could it be that a few people in the U.S. are right and the whole world is wrong? We doubt it," said the Saudi Prince, whose nation spawned 15 of the 19 clever patriotic theologians who last year converted commercial airliners into guided missiles using little more than razor blades.

The visit by Mr. bin Laden, himself a product of Saudi Arabia, was designed to demonstrate that "the U.S. government is sensitive to the diversity of opinions among our friends in the Islamic world," according to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "Mr. bin Laden represents the opinions of many in that region. We also treasure the relationship with the Saudis, our great allies. We're grateful for how they helped us decrease our dependency upon gasoline in the early 1970s. If it hadn't been for their oil production cutbacks, we might never have realized how great the Japanese are at making tiny little cars."

Mr. bin Laden flew home late yesterday in Prince Bandar's chartered jet, where he had the opportunity to spend several hours instructing Bandar's eight children on the fundamentals of the peaceful Islamic faith.

2002-08-27T07:27:00.000-04:00

Earth Summit Delegates Have Choice of Hotels

(2002-08-27) -- Mgluta Emakula, proprietor of the Hotel L'Eau de la Salle de Bain near Johannesburg, wonders what she must do to lure more Earth Summit delegates to her establishment.

"We have been preparing for this conference for months," she said. "Yet we have not received a single reservation from among the Earth Summit delegates."

The Summit has drawn 60,000 people who are distraught that millions of earthlings live without clean water and nutritious food. Many delegates are from organizations which lobby and raise money on behalf of the poor.

"I thought my Hotel would be perfect for the delegates, since I am poor and we lack running water and nutritious food," said Mrs. Emakula. "Instead of the L'Eau de la Salle de Bain, most of them are staying over at The Michelangelo. Go figure!"

Delegates staying at The Michelangelo drink the finest bottled mineral water and vintage brandy, eat lobster, fois gras, caviar and quite literally whatever they want. Their luxurious rooms will be comforting respites from the battery of emotional speeches from some of the world's most empathetic people.

Mgluta Emakula in front of her Hotel L'Eau de la Salle de Bain, waiting to greet Earth Summit delegates.

2002-08-26T13:26:00.000-04:00

Memo: Top 10 Reasons to Criminalize Homeschooling

In an effort to increase the public drumbeat for criminalizing homeschooling, California Deputy Superintendent Joanne Mendoza has distributed a memo containing the top 10 reasons why public schooling is better than homeschooling. Here is an excerpt from that memo:

Why Public Schooling Is Better Than Homeschooling

Most parents were educated in the underfunded public school system, and so are not smart enough to homeschool their own children.
Children who receive one-on-one homeschooling will learn more than others, giving them an unfair advantage in the marketplace. This is undemocratic.
How can children learn to defend themselves unless they have to fight off bullies on a daily basis?
Ridicule from other children is important to the socialization process.
Children in public schools can get more practice "Just Saying No" to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.
Fluorescent lighting may have significant health benefits.
Publicly asking permission to go to the bathroom teaches young people their place in society.
The fashion industry depends upon the peer pressure that only public schools can generate.
Public schools foster cultural literacy, passing on important traditions like the singing of "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg..."
Homeschooled children may not learn important office career skills, like how to sit still for six hours straight.

2002-08-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

FCC Probes Pattern of News Show Hype

Insiders at the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) say the agency is probing claims that CNN, MSNBC and network news operations routinely hype interviews, reports and talk shows they know are losers, while top executives privately watch reruns on Nickelodeon, or go out to Red Lobster with the family.

"Much like the SEC investigation into corporate execs who made rosy projections while privately selling off millions in stock, this probe seeks to determine if news editors and producers know that some of their on-air material will be a waste of viewers' time," according to an unnamed source. "Clearly, for instance, MSNBC knew that the new Donahue show was a dog, but they continued to promote it like it was the next Bill O'Reilly or something. But that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Sources say they have thousands of hours of videotape proving that news events -- from hurricanes, to child abductions, to Larry King interviews -- are sold to unsuspecting viewers with lavish promises. Depositions from actual victimized viewers show a pattern of news promo excesses resulting in millions of hours of wasted TV time -- time valued in the billions of dollars.

"The net impact on the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of this nation is almost incalculable," the source said. "But perhaps worse is the breach of trust between major media organizations and the American viewing public.

Off the record, TV news execs say they aren't culpable, since "viewers can always change the channel if they don't like it."

But FCC attorneys are preparing to make the case that teaser promos "hook" the viewers, who then continue to believe that the network will deliver on its promise of "must see TV". Yet when the hour is over, the viewer is left with a hollow feeling, and 60 wasted minutes of life he can never get back.

2002-08-24T16:32:00.000-04:00

West Nile Tourism Board Launches P.R. Push

2002-08-24

The West Nile Tourism Promotion Board announced today that it will launch a major public relations campaign. Billboards, broadcast commercials, web banners and news releases will all carry the message: "Visit World Famous West Nile."

A spokesman for the agency which won the account said, "When life hands you a lemon...make lemonade. When life decides to name a deadly blood-born virus after you...well, just remember there's no such thing as bad P.R.. A few months or years from now, everyone will still remember West Nile, but they'll forget the reason."

2002-08-23T23:22:00.000-04:00

McDonald's To Launch Restaurants for Protestors

2002-08-23

Following yet another lawsuit, McDonald's Corporation announced today it intends to launch restaurants specifically for protestors.

"We looked at the demographics and it just made sense," according the news release. "Protestors are everywhere and they're very vocal about what they like and what they don't. In essence, they're the ultimate target market. If our regular customers stood in the streets shouting about their personal preferences, we'd be out there with tape recorders. These protestors have really opened our eyes to opportunity.

The new restaurants will not serve piping hot coffee, nor anything with fat, nor products containing monosodium glutamate (MSG), nor anything that might have come from a mad cow, nor the new McAfrika sandwich.

No food or beverage containers will be made from Styrofoam, nor paper, nor plastic. Employees will earn $45,000-$75,000 per year with a 20 hour work week, full medical, dental, psychiatric and drug rehab care. Women will earn more than men, racial minorities more than Caucasians, homosexuals more than heterosexuals, prisoners on work release more than Boy Scouts, and handicapped people more than the apparently able-bodied. McDonald's will also not allow smoking, nor fur-wearing, nor weapons of any kind. There will be no drive-up window to discourage the burning of fossil fuels, and the restaurants will actually be simple tent-like structures erected on lands free of endangered species, toxic waste and Native American burial grounds.

The news release did not divulge what the restaurants would serve, but suggested that focus groups are looking at several potential names, including: McTolerance, McTouchy-McFeely and McVictim. About 110 percent of every sale will go to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, the National Organization for Women, the National Gay and Lesbian Task force and "anyone else who wants some."

2002-08-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

ACLU Sues Itself Over Origins Question

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) filed suit against itself in federal district court today alleging that the ACLU was not founded by Roger Baldwin, Crystal Eastman, Albert DeSilver and others in 1920, but rather evolved from a bacterium or perhaps the giant tube worms which dwell at the edge of undersea volcanic fissures.

The lawsuit further contends that ACLU employees do not have the right to openly discuss the various theories of its origin, including the so-called "intelligent design" theory.

"The idea that some wise being or beings conceived of the ACLU in their minds and brought it into existence in a relatively short period of time within the past century is patently absurd," according papers filed with the court on behalf of the plaintiff. "The theory that giant tube worms, whose structure and habitat resemble the modern ACLU, is much more plausible. In fact, it is so substantial one hesitates to call it a theory anymore."

The timing of the lawsuit could prove a distraction as ACLU lawyers have just engaged in another origins case in Cobb County, Georgia. That case involves the right of a local school board to place the following label on a science book:

"This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."

2002-08-22T16:57:00.000-04:00

CNN al Qaeda Tapes to Become Time-Life Series

AOL Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons announced today that the al Qaeda training tapes CNN acquired will soon become a Time-Life video series.

Starting in September, Time-Life will run infomercials on AOL-owned networks for the new series "How to Start and Run Your Own Terrorist Organization".

Episodes in the series will include:

How to build a bomb from items in your garage,
How to install a machine-gun turret in your SUV,
Making identification cards for fun and profit,
The S.P.C.A., your ally in testing chemical agents
Convincing the neighbors that you're normal

"We paid $30,000 for these tapes," said Parsons, "That's almost the entire quarterly EBITDA* for the AOL division right now. There's so much rich, compelling content on the tapes that we don't have time to show on CNN. So, the Time-Life series was a no brainer."

* EBITDA stands for Earnings Before Interest Taxes Depreciation and Amortization...it's kind of like free cashflow, if you're not familiar with accounting terms. (If you are familiar, please move on to the next story now.)

2002-08-22T11:34:00.000-04:00

Saddam Demands U.S. Battle Plans

Iraqi dictator-for-life Saddam Hussein petitioned the United Nations today for a complete copy of U.S. battle plans for any future attack on his oil-rich, highly-literate, deeply-religious, peaceful, modern nation.

"How are we going to prepare our people for the mother of all victories if we have nothing but speculative reports from CNN and The New York Times?" he asked through a spokesman, who had a wooden head and sat perched on Hussein's left knee during the news conference. "The Iraqi president has a country to run, and can't be distracted by trying to figure out whether an unnamed ex-Joint Chief was floating a trial balloon on behalf of the Bush administration, or it's simply a left-wing journalist trying to demoralize the American public."

The Iraqi leader re-iterated that his nation poses no threat to anyone despite the testing of chemical weapons, funding of global terrorists, secret nuclear research facilities, intricate network of underground bunkers, mobile missile launchers and hatred of all things Jewish, Western, American or Christian.

Hussein's demands were carried in a live news conference for four hours on CNN and MSNBC, interrupting their coverage of Day 12 of the Media Seige at Crawford, TX.

2002-08-19T15:45:00.000-04:00

NEA 'Not to Blame' for American Intolerance

A new curriculum plan promoted by the National Education Association (NEA), cautions teachers against blaming the NEA for American intolerance.

"Despite the fact that the vast majority of Americans are the products of the NEA-run school system, teachers should not allow students to think that the union is to blame for American provincialism, narrow-mindedness and bigotry," according to the soon-to-be-released lesson plan. The hastily-drafted plan follows in the wake of the NEA's controversial curriculum warning teachers against blaming terrorists for acts of terror.

Jerald Newberry, spokesman for the union, said, "Americans see their schools as the place (sic) that will help their children make sense of these horrific events and move forward as better people."

Newberry went on to say, "We don't want to dwell on the fact that the NEA is largely responsible for the kind of people we are today."

2002-08-19T07:19:00.000-04:00

Maryland Officials Reject Evolution Theory

2002-08-19

The Maryland Department of Natural Resouces has decided that Natural Selection, a key component of Darwinian Evolution, is just too slow, and may not produce desirable results. So, the Natural Resources agency will poison a pond full of predatory fish this week to make sure that these super-fit fish don't survive.

"Yeah, I know it's supposed to be survival of the fittest and all," said department spokeswoman Heather Lynch,"but if these Chinese Snakehead fish are so fit, let 'em survive the fish poison and plant poison we're gonna dump in this pond."

An evolutionary biologist at the University of Maryland acknowledged that perhaps the Darwinian scheme "caps out" when you get creatures who can manufacture herbicides and piscicides like Diquat, Glyphosate and Rotenone.

2002-08-18T21:51:00.000-04:00

Slogan Chanters Sway Senator's Vote

2002-08-18

WASHINGTON D.C. -- An unnamed U.S. Senator revealed today that he had changed his vote on a key piece of legislation after hearing a handful of protestors chanting a slogan near the Senate office building.

"At first I just ignored them, like I do every day," the Senator said. "But that clever little rhyming slogan kept coming back to me...and the rhythmic way they were chanting it just kept pounding in my brain."

The legislator said that by mid-morning the chanted slogan had effectively supplanted weeks of meticulous research on the issue, as well as polls showing that the overwhelming majority of those in his home state favored the measure.

"I voted 'No'. What can I say? The chanting got to me," said the incumbent lawmaker. "I know there'll be trouble at home come election time. But who can blame me? The real culprits are the chanting protestors. There oughta be a law against that...maybe I could turn the tables on them...get this:

'No more slogans, No more chants, I see someone's underpants'...

"Okay, so it needs some work."

2002-08-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

NYC Stalkers Seek Marriage Benefits

2002-08-16

On the heels of New York City's decision to recognize homosexual unions, a group of stalkers has petitioned city council for similar benefits.

"There's a kind of emotional bond that forms between a stalker and his stalkee over the course of time," said Joachin Yue, spokesman for the stalkers. "When a stalkee dies, the stalker often mourns for months, wandering the city, unable to commit to following another. But this poor person receives no compensation for his loss, and is often barred from even attending the funeral."

As part of the Stalker's Bill of Rights proposal, a person who has doggedly pursued another person for at least 90 days would be granted hospital visitation rights, a share in the estate and a back row seat at the funeral. The provision also demands discounts on apartments across the street from the stalkee, and first right of access to taxi cabs parked immediately behind the stalkee's cab.

New York City Councilwoman, Christine Quinn, who co-sponsored the homosexual union measure said, "We need to take a serious look at this petition. I'm inclined to favor it since it would represent New York kind of going as far as we can in relationship law."

Quinn also suggested she would favor marriage-like unions among different species, and full partner benefits for anyone who has "a real serious crush" one someone else.

2002-08-13T21:45:00.000-04:00

Which Came First, the Chicken or Jupiter?

2002-08-13

New image from Jupiter reveals planet is actually fried egg, over easy.

New York Times fails to mention it.

2002-08-09T12:11:00.000-04:00

Humans At Risk from Second-Hand Cat Chow

2002-08-09

On the heels of a shocking study claiming second-hand tobacco smoke may increase cancer risk among housecats, a new report from the I.M. Frisky Institute says humans can suffer from the effects of second-hand cat chow.

"Cat chow that has been through a feline digestive system -- second-hand chow -- can have a negative impact on the olfactory organs of humans in close proximity," the report abstract said.

Use of odor-masking cat litter products does little to decrease the risk, according to the study.

"Face it, second-hand chow stinks," the report goes on to say. "Spraying bad perfume on it just adds another foul stench to the mix."

Scientists who conducted the study say abstinence from cat ownership is the only cure. However, they are working on an antidote. Promising areas of research include nasal clothespin devices, and "smoking big aromatic cigars."

2002-08-02T23:37:00.000-04:00

Stocks Down on News of Stocks Down

2002-08-02

NEW YORK -- The major stock indexes all finished lower today due to jittery investors' concerns about stocks declining in price.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA), NASDAQ, Standard & Poor's (S&P) and other financial measures all dropped 2-to-4 percent on news that stock prognosticators had predicted a 2-to-4 percent slide in stock prices.

Legg Mason's VP of Self-Fulfilling Predictions said he expects the downward slide to continue, and so he recommends that "everyone sell every last share of stock you can."

Also today, journalists at a national conference of major business publications decided the continue referring to a high-volume stock trading day as "a major sell-off". A proposal to start calling it "a major buy-up" was unanimously defeated.

2002-07-31T12:26:00.000-04:00

Science Seeks Cure for NPR Nose

2002-07-31

Scientists at the US Nasal Observatory (USNO) say they are hot on the trail of a cure for a condition called "NPR Nose". The syndrome, which affects newscasters from National Public Radio, causes a victim to sound like he has a small mammal jammed in his sinuses. Carl Castle, Mara Liasson, Robert Siegel and Susan Stamberg all display the typical symptoms.

"Listeners have been emailing me for years saying they're praying that I'll get over my cold," said Stamberg, the special correspondant and veteran All Things Considered anchor. "I don't have a cold. And my voice sounds fine to me."

As Stamberg spoke, a flock of geese landed all about her, called in by the sound of her voice piped through her nostils.

Experts at the USNO say Stamberg is in denial, which is typical of NPR Nose patients.

"They can't hear themselves," said Dr. Linus Septum of USNO, "I don't think they realize that normal people don't sound like they just snorted a wool cardigan."

2002-07-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Environmentalists Kill and Eat Beached Whales

2002-07-30

CAPE COD, MA -- After several dozen pilot whales beached themselves near here for the second time in as many days, hundreds of volunteers who had rescued them the first time, suddenly slaughtered and began to eat the highly-social aquatic mammals.

"We suddenly realized that by rescuing the whales we were upsetting the delicate balance of nature," said Kristin Patchett, of the Cape Cod Stranding Network, who led the first rescue effort. "Darwinian natural selection makes sure that evolution moves forward with better and stronger creatures. If we rescue these obvious weaklings, we would throw off the whole random scheme of evolution."

Patchett then returned to her task of tearing away a whale's dorsal fin with her sharp incisors and fingernails. Oily blubber dripped from Patchett's chin as she overlooked the feeding frenzy of fellow environmentalists who were savagely hacking at the still-twitching leviathan carcasses with rude implements like clam shells and broken driftwood.

"It's important that we be intellectually consistent," Patchett added. "I have contacted our friends at Green Peace, who agreed with me, and say they will now use their small boats to track whales and cull the weak and deformed from the pods."

Green Peace spokesbeing E.B.Karing, reached by satellite phone somewhere off the coast of New Zealand, concurred with Patchett.

"It just makes sense, that humans -- the most highly evolved creatures -- should continue to assert our dominance, and destroy species that pose a threat to us. Whales do, after all, have larger brains than we do. Can you imagine what will happen when they evolve some opposable thumbs? We'd be done for."

2002-07-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

Judge Weeps Over Moussaoui Guilty Plea

2002-07-18

Admitted Al Qaeda terrorist Zaccarias Moussaoui brought a federal judge to tears this morning as he tried to persuade her to allow him to plead guilty for his role in the September 11 attacks.

The judge at first insisted that Moussaoui take a week off to think about his plea.

"Listen," said the judge, "you've been under a lot of pressure. Don't make any hasty decisions. Why don't you hop a plane to someplace warm, relax on the beach, read a Stephen King novel, you know...get away from it all?"

When the defendant insisted on his guilt, the judge began to weep.

"Don't you see?" she pleaded, "if you're guilty, the trial's over and no one will ever hear of me again. Please, say you're innocent...it would mean so much to my career...the book rights, the movie, the action figure."

Moussaoui then stepped to the bench and held the judge gently in his arms as she wept against his shoulder.

2002-07-18T10:52:00.000-04:00

Coffee Industry Plans Dementia Ads

2002-07-18

In light of recent research suggesting three cups of coffee daily may prevent dementia, the coffee industry plans to reprise an old ad campaign. The ads, run in the 1980s, contained the lines Coffee calms you down and picks you up. It gives you the serenity to dream it and the vitality to do it.

To capitalize on the new scientific findings, the ads will be edited to say:

Coffee calms you down, and picks you up and keeps you from going starking-raving nuts.

It gives you the serenity to dream it, the vitality to do it and the capacity to remember it later when your grandkids ask you about it.

Industry marketing gurus were in deep-focus groups and unable to return our calls as this story went online.

2002-07-16T13:10:00.000-04:00

Skull of Early Anthropologist Found in New Jersey

2002-07-16
Fragments of a hominid skull found in northeastern New Jersey last month, may be the missing link between apes and evolutionary anthropologists.

Dubbed "Paramus Man" or Homo Sciencia, the skull features a narrow cranial cavity and boney protrusions along the sides of the eyes. The protrusions give the appearance of blinders, like those used on racing horses.

Darwinian evolutionists have long speculated about the possibility of an ape-like ancestor for the modern anthrolopologist. However, all previously-discovered hominid skulls had brain cases so large that they would prohibit the narrow thinking necessary to cling to the Darwinian theory of evolution. The discovery of Paramus man opens the possibility that even if modern anthropologists didn't evolve from lower lifeforms, a similarly narrow-minded creature may have once roamed the earth. Some in the scientific community speculate that Homo Sciencia may have died off when it refused to alter its worldview to face reality.

2002-07-16T11:25:00.000-04:00

ScrappleFace is the nickname my Nan used for our dog -- half german shepherd, half saint bernard -- Mac. She called him that because he would eat anything that we wouldn't. (We used to feed him live crayfish, among other things.) ScrappleFace will feature an assortment of things, often gleaned from the news and life in general, which interest/perplex/engage/annoy me. If they interest you...all the better.