U.N. Rebukes Saddam Hussein for "Crawfishing"

(2002-09-07) -- The United Nations today passed a resolution admonishing Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein for "sidestepping, crawfishing and wheedling" out of previous agreements. The global organization also formally recognized that Hussein has been "stiffing the world."

Delegates interviewed after the vote concurred that they don't know what it means to "crawfish", but it sounded good when U.S. President George Bush first said it after a congressional briefing on September 4.

Related Link: Straight Talk from Bush

Editor "Fires" Ann Coulter Then Proposes Marriage

(2002-09-07) -- Bob Unger, executive editor of the Centre Daily Times (CDT), in State College, PA, has proposed marriage to conservative columnist Ann Coulter, just days after dumping Coulter's column from his newspaper.

"Now it can be told," Unger said. "I fired Ann, not because she hates so much, but because I love her so much. I want to avoid even the appearance of conflict. If she's going to be Mrs. Robert Unger, she can't very well be on the CDT payroll, not even as a syndicated columnist."

Unger said astute readers picked up on his attraction to Coulter by reading his September 7 editorial. In it, he refers to her "pretty face" and calls her "flashy". He even hints at his previously suppressed passion when he writes "love is hard."

Coulter was too busy to return this reporters calls, since she was getting her pretty face on television and selling more of her best-selling books.

Related Link:Coulter's Last Stand

Norman Mailer Releases CD of Patriotic Songs

(2002-09-06) -- The 8,000-word essay on American patriotism which Norman Mailer wrote for the London Sunday Times [9/8/02] is meant to serve as pre-publicity for Mailer's new CD of patriotic songs.

Mailer lends his sultry baritone to such classics as Godless America, This Is Sty Country, Bland Old Rag, I'm A Cranky Noodling Dandy, America the Booty-Full, and The Star Spangled Banter.

The CD, titled "Totally Promiscuous Patriotism," is slated for a September 11 release.

"I'm hoping that people will be intensely critical of the essay, and of the CD," said Mailer, "because it's your duty to be critical of it so it can become even greater, just like America."

Related Link: Drudge Previews Mailer Rant

France Wants to Become Iraqi Colony

French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac has petitioned the United Nations to make France a colony of Iraq.

"Our people long to be ruled by a strong, benevolent leader, like we were during the German occupation in the 1940s," Chirac said. "Saddam Hussein's people love him, and we yearn for his brand of firm, yet fair, statesmanship. I would be proud to be the governor of French Babylon.

Chirac also announced France's intention to remunerate the United States and Great Britain for all of the men, machines and munitions spent in the effort to liberate the country from the Nazis during WWII.

"We appreciate what the other Allies, with good intentions, did for us," Chirac said. "But as we look at the lifestyle of the Iraqi people, we realize we might have been better off if the Yanks and Brits had stayed home....Heil Hussein!"

European Poll: Americans At Fault for 9/11

A majority of Europeans believe that Americans were partially to blame for the terrorist attacks of 9/11/2001.

Here are the actual questions asked in the poll:

1. Americans built the planes that crashed on 9/11. (True or False)
   
2. Americans built the World Trade Center Towers. (True or False)
   
3. Americans sold the airplane tickets to the hijackers. (True or False)
   
4. Americans are to blame for the terrorist attack on 9/11. (True or False)
   

Related Link: Blame the Victim

CBS Hijacks Jetliner to Prove Security Flaws

(2002-09-04) -- CBS News anchorman Dan Rather hijacked a Boeing 757 over the weekend and flew it to an undisclosed location in "the Dakotas". The hijacking was part of an "up close and personal" investigative piece about flaws in the transportation security system. No one was harmed in the incident.

Rather, the veteran anchor of the CBS Evening News, secretly took flying lessons for the past eight months in preparation for the story.

"I also did my best to blend into the local community," Rather said. "I didn't want to arouse the suspicion of my neighbors. So, I went to Dunkin' Donuts and Blockbuster Video like normal. I kept up with my lawn mowing...you know, just being the average American."

Usama bin Laden, reached by satellite phone, expressed gratitude to "Mr. Rather, and all of those doing this important research in the public domain which advances the cause of freedom for my people."

Related Link: CBS Tests Airport Security

Clone Link: NY Daily News...ditto.

Democrats Copyright 2004 Slogan: "Ain't it Awful"

(2002-09-04) -- The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has reportedly copyrighted the slogan "Ain't It Awful" for use in the 2004 elections.

"We needed a memorable phrase to capture the essence of what it means to be a Democrat in the new millennium," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "With the stock market dipping, crisis in the Middle East, corporate fat cats lying about profits, schools in crisis, Britney on hiatus, millions without access to clean water or good food, pollution everywhere, a potential invasion of the sovereign peaceful Islamic republic of Iraq...we felt that 'Ain't It Awful' reflects how Joe Six-Pack, the average American, feels...or should feel."

"Too many Americans still feel good about the future of the economy and our nation. They think that American ingenuity and Divine Providence will work together to eventually solve the great problems that plague our society," McAuliffe said. "When people feel hopeful like that, they don't vote Democrat. Originally, we were going to use the slogan 'It's All Bad,' but a lot of young people still use the word bad to mean good. And we don't want to leave them with the wrong impression of our beliefs."

At the next Democratic convention, Al Gore give a rousing speech using the slogan to punctuate a long list of things that are wrong with America -- similar to the way Jesse Jackson used the phrase "Keep Hope Alive" at a previous convention. Convention delegates will join Gore in shouting "Ain't It Awful" after each depressing item.

In a related development, the makers of Prozac have signed on as sole sponsors of the 2004 Democratic convention. Banners and TV ads will include the Prozac logo, and free samples will be distributed to delegates.

Catholic Church Tests Two-Way Confessional

Following a series of scandals involving Roman Catholic priests, the Boston Archdiocese is testing a new two-way confessional procedure. After the normal confession, the parishioner will say to the priest, "So, enough about me, Father. What have you been up to lately?"


Related Link:
Church to Pay Off Priest's Victims

White House Blocks Mandela's Calls

(2002-09-02) -- Thanks to new legislation restricting telemarketers, the White House has blocked all calls from former South African President Nelson Mandela. The great humanitarian has tried to call George Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell and others, selling the idea that a U.S. invasion of Iraq would introduce "chaos in international affairs."

"We were just sitting down to dinner," said National Security Advisor Rice, "and wouldn't you know it, the phone rings. I let the machine get it, and it's Mr. Mandela. And I can tell he's reading a script, so I just keep eating and delete the message later. Next day I had a staffer call and add him to the list of telemarketers we're blocking."

"I gotta tell you, the staff and I had to laugh about that "chaos" line," Rice added. "Yeah, like we wouldn't want to shatter the calm of the Middle East now, would we?"

If the formerly-jailed anti-apartheid activist violates the 'Do Not Call' order, he could face a $1,000 fine for each offense, and 90 days to a year in prison.

Related Link: I Know You're There, Condy...Pick Up the Phone

Lieberman Won't Run If Anyone Else Does

(2002-09-02) -- Expanding his previous pledge to abstain from seeking the presidency if Al Gore decides to run, Sen. Joseph Lieberman announced over the weekend that he also won't run if any of the following file with the Federal Election Commission seeking the highest office in the land: John Kerry, Tom Daschle, Dick Gephardt, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Hillary Rodham, Elian Gonzales, Geraldo Rivera, Cardinal Law, Rudy Guiliani, Michael A. Newdow, Glenn Reynolds and anybody from Rhode Island.

"The Senator is a man of principle," said a Lieberman press aide. "Certainly he has great ideas which would revolutionize our nation, and cause justice to flow down like water...however, he refuses to let his high ideals stand in the way of his deep friendships with each person on this list."

Senator Lieberman himself could not be reached for comment, however he was overheard at the first tee of a local golf course saying to the rest of his foursome, "Hey, fellas...Let's not keep score today."


Related Link:Everybody Loves Albert

Alumnus Requests Refund from University

(2002-09-01) -- Barry Lee LeTrette, 1983 graduate of the University of Wisconsin, has requested a refund of $20,000 from the school.

"I've been out here in the work world for 19 years," LeTrette wrote, "And I haven't been able to use about 75 percent of what they taught me. So, I'm returning the unused portion of my college education, and requesting a refund."

Wisconsin officials could not be reached for comment, however, a week after LeTrette wrote his request the school sent him an invitation to contribute $500 toward an endowment fund.

Office Worker Drafted to Coach in NFL

(2002-09-01) -- Some men dream of it all their lives. But the dream came true for Jared Oberholtzer yesterday when the owner of an NFL franchise called to ask him if he'd consider coaching the squad this year. Colleagues of the 43-year-old office worker were delighted, but not surprised.

"I've often told him he ought to be coaching somewhere because he knows so much about football," said Charlene McCasker, an administrative assistant in the next cubicle. "Just last week he spent about 45 minutes telling us about all the mistakes that the Bengals, Steelers, Rams and Seahawks had made that Sunday. He really sounds like he knows what he's talking about."

Oberholtzer hasn't played football since he was 12, and has never even coached a Pee Wee team. However, he says, he didn't just stumble into this position.

"Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness," Oberholtzer said. "That's why about a year ago, I talked Colleen into buying that big-screen TV. I've prepared for his moment by rigorously listening to sports radio shows in the car, and watching countless hours of televised games, and post-game analysis...and, of course, by talking to my colleagues at work, and sharing my expertise with them."

Ms. McCasker lamented the loss of her colleague.

"From now on," she said, "Mondays will be nothing but one productive hour of work after another...I'll miss him."

CNN Editors Reject Chung Abduction Concept

(2002-09-01) -- News editors at the CNN have reportedly rejected a "high concept" news special tentatively called "The Chung Abduction." Proposed by the marketing department, the show would involve essentially hiring a kidnapper to abduct respected TV journalist Connie Chung. The state of Georgia would issue an "Amber Alert" for Chung, then other CNN reporters would follow leads, interview alleged witnesses and cover periodic briefings by "the sheriff". It would air about 13 hours a day, frequently interrupting regular programming.

"We really thought it would be educational," said the CNN marketing insider who proposed the project. "We'd show a lot of behind the scenes stuff with reporters worrying about Connie, and we might even have a hidden 'Chung-Cam' to cover her reactions. Of course, we couldn't tell Mrs. Chung it was staged, 'cause that would make it less real for her and the viewers. After the sheriff rescues her in a hail of simulated gun-fire...then we'd tell her."

"It's a whole new genre I call 'reality-based news programming'," he said. "It's really ahead of its time. By the way, do you know of anyone who's hiring marketing people?"

Government to Promote Smoking by 'the Reckless'

(2002-09-01) -- Concerned that the decreasing number of cigarette smokers jeopardizes the tax base, the Federal government will launch a new ad campaign encouraging "the reckless" to smoke.

Recent demographic research reveals that about 23 percent of Americans "just don't give a hoot" what happens to them. However, not all of "the reckless" are smokers. Many simply drive too fast without seatbelts, eat fatty foods, drink heavily and put off investing for the future. The ad campaign aims to convert more of these citizens to the alluring dangers of smoking.

"It's totally honest advertising," according to an unnamed congressional lobbyist from a large producer of leaf-based products. "We're saying 'Smoking is likely to kill you...but hey, you gotta die of something.' Our target demographic is really attracted to such messages."

An advocate for the "Go on...Take a Chance" campaign said it will increase money the government receives from per-pack taxes on cigarettes. Without those tax dollars, he said, "nice people who work for the government will be fired and their children will wander the streets begging for food."

The ads themselves will be created by the same agency that produces lottery ads for several dozen states.

Second NYC Radio Stunt Ends in Three Arrests

2002-09-01

Another shocking radio stunt has rocked the people of New York City. During a live Catholic radio show this week, two priests in full vestment sang praises to God and preached the gospel of Jesus Christ in a Brooklyn nightclub. A third priest, on a cell phone, relayed details to the listeners of WYNY.

When police arrived at the scene, several nightclub patrons were on their knees near the bar crying out in repentant prayer. As the three priests were led off in handcuffs, one answered a shouted question defiantly saying: "Yes, we were sharing the love of God with these fellow sinners...and we are unashamed."

The switchboard at the Archdiocese was jammed with calls from outraged citizens, disturbed that acts of devotion to God had been performed in full public view.

"There is a time and a place for everything," said one caller who claimed to witness the stunt. "These people should stay with their own kind. It was shameful."

Several startled nightclub patrons confessed they thought the robed priests were Star Wars fanatics, or were having a fight.

"They kept saying 'Jesus Christ', and stuff. So we thought they were angry," said one customer. "In those robes, they looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi and his brother...Obi-Two Kenobi...get it...Wan, Two...nevermind...bad joke...forgive me.