Judge Weeps Over Moussaoui Guilty Plea

2002-07-18

Admitted Al Qaeda terrorist Zaccarias Moussaoui brought a federal judge to tears this morning as he tried to persuade her to allow him to plead guilty for his role in the September 11 attacks.

The judge at first insisted that Moussaoui take a week off to think about his plea.

"Listen," said the judge, "you've been under a lot of pressure. Don't make any hasty decisions. Why don't you hop a plane to someplace warm, relax on the beach, read a Stephen King novel, you know...get away from it all?"

When the defendant insisted on his guilt, the judge began to weep.

"Don't you see?" she pleaded, "if you're guilty, the trial's over and no one will ever hear of me again. Please, say you're innocent...it would mean so much to my career...the book rights, the movie, the action figure."

Moussaoui then stepped to the bench and held the judge gently in his arms as she wept against his shoulder.

Coffee Industry Plans Dementia Ads

2002-07-18

In light of recent research suggesting three cups of coffee daily may prevent dementia, the coffee industry plans to reprise an old ad campaign. The ads, run in the 1980s, contained the lines Coffee calms you down and picks you up. It gives you the serenity to dream it and the vitality to do it.

To capitalize on the new scientific findings, the ads will be edited to say:

Coffee calms you down, and picks you up and keeps you from going starking-raving nuts.

It gives you the serenity to dream it, the vitality to do it and the capacity to remember it later when your grandkids ask you about it.

Industry marketing gurus were in deep-focus groups and unable to return our calls as this story went online.

Skull of Early Anthropologist Found in New Jersey

2002-07-16
Fragments of a hominid skull found in northeastern New Jersey last month, may be the missing link between apes and evolutionary anthropologists.

Dubbed "Paramus Man" or Homo Sciencia, the skull features a narrow cranial cavity and boney protrusions along the sides of the eyes. The protrusions give the appearance of blinders, like those used on racing horses.

Darwinian evolutionists have long speculated about the possibility of an ape-like ancestor for the modern anthrolopologist. However, all previously-discovered hominid skulls had brain cases so large that they would prohibit the narrow thinking necessary to cling to the Darwinian theory of evolution. The discovery of Paramus man opens the possibility that even if modern anthropologists didn't evolve from lower lifeforms, a similarly narrow-minded creature may have once roamed the earth. Some in the scientific community speculate that Homo Sciencia may have died off when it refused to alter its worldview to face reality.

ScrappleFace is the nickname my Nan used for our dog -- half german shepherd, half saint bernard -- Mac. She called him that because he would eat anything that we wouldn't. (We used to feed him live crayfish, among other things.) ScrappleFace will feature an assortment of things, often gleaned from the news and life in general, which interest/perplex/engage/annoy me. If they interest you...all the better.